Something really special and amazing came out of this ugliness, and I’m so thankful for it. I would even say, blessed for it.
A lot of life things have happened over the years to me both personally and with my family and close friends. Some things epically tragic, some things mildly annoying. In all the shuffle between the madness and the triumphs, it never really dawned on me ‘how’ we talk in our home when there is a disagreement or tension is running high, or when things have happened that we can’t control but have to deal with. It was never really bad, but post-split from a narcissistic drug addict; I wanted to ‘clean-house’ so to speak. I wanted the happy and harmonious vibe I was used to before I met Chris.
I grew up in a Navy Family on my dad‘s side; and a very large, loud, passionate, affectionately loving Puerto Rican family, rich in tradition, on my mom’s. Growing up I always heard swear words, both from my family, and from friends and their families, and even people yelling on the street. But after this, although I’m still a firm believer and supporter of the ‘F-Bomb’, everything has changed with the way words are directed, spoken, and communicated in our comfortable and Zen living environment.
Before I met Chris, I had everything just how and where I wanted it. I had a fruitful and fulfilling career, nice ride, clean and beautifully decorated apartment in the heart of the Bay Area, lifelong and loyal friends, kids all doing well…. I felt at the top of my game. I decided out-of-nowhere, that I wanted to be a wife. So, since my longtime lover and I had to part ways, I thought it would be a good time for me to try to meet someone I could make a life with.
Enter, the devil.
Everything that took place in the ‘home’ between Chris and I, has become the example of what NOT to do. It’s given me a clear prospective on what I want, and what I won’t tolerate. Everything in life got turned upside down, and my home and home-life took the hardest hit. So even though we continued to live together, the living environment was unrecognizable to me. The air and energy felt thick, dark, and heavy. Nothing could ever stay clean because Chris had so much stuff from dumpster-diving so the clutter and useless junk accumulated faster than I could keep up with. I got no help with keeping things clean and tidy, no help with laundry, no help even with the heavy lifting. I’m very meticulous and organized when it comes to my living space, so being in a chaotic mess only further contributed to my unhappiness.
Since I moved out, home is once again a place I love to be. I have found refuge, and comfort in my humble abode. I’m free to read, write, paint, decorate, cook and bake, play music, dance; it’s a dream-come-true. Dinner is served and enjoyed at the table. Our home shuts down at a decent hour, and guests only visit after a verbal welcome. Strangers, are not simply not allowed. Battles are chosen very carefully, and disagreements are resolved righteously and mindfully.
There is no more being unfair in an argument.
No low-blows.
No cussing at each other.
There is no more silent treatment, or continued animosity after the disagreement is over.
There is no slamming doors, no breaking dishes, no blatant disrespect.
No tit-for-tat.
There is no more staying up all hours of the night, bickering, and waiting for morning to come so I could pack up the baby and leave.
No more having to watch my handbag and belongings.
No more hiding my keys.
No more emergency bag packed and hidden.
There is no more eating on the couch, or standing at the kitchen counter.
There are no more random ratchets coming to the doors, and windows, at all hours of the day and night.
There are no more knock-down, drag-out brawls.
I go slowly into anger and confrontation, because I now fully understand how those two things can literally manifest into a tornado-type dark energy that swallows everything whole.
Home is once again my happy place.
It’s a place where friends and family alike, come to rejuvenate, relax, and hang out.
We laugh….play….snuggle….pray…. and celebrate the traditions that make us such a strong family unit.
It’s serene.
It’s filled with silly shenanigans.
It’s safe.
It’s my favourite place to be….
PTSDDiaryPartII 